The neither-nor state

A space in between – no longer the old, not yet the new.

Floating between ground and sky – like the neither-nor state itself.

How does this moment feel to you ?

This neither-nor state. You've let go of the old, cut ties with the past, or you have to let go of familiar things because someone else has made that decision for you. But the new thing isn't there yet; you're in this limbo between old and new, in this very neither-nor state. It could be a dismissal, leaving you suddenly jobless. Or perhaps your last day of work is behind you, your calendar is open, and freedom feels strangely quiet. Maybe you're standing in your house, in the children's room, empty, your youngest having just left home. Perhaps it feels like it did for me when, after a separation, I asked myself: "Who am I really?" And perhaps it's a success that opens up this state: you've reached the goal you've worked towards for so long. And instead of joy, you feel emptiness. Whatever the triggers and the questions, they are all united by this in-between space.

This neither-nor state usually feels like a weakness to us when we're in the thick of it. Losing a job means failure; a breakup, that I've lived my life wrong; retirement, that I'm no longer needed. Achieving a goal, which should actually make me happy—all of this feels like a deficiency that we need to quickly remedy so we can feel better afterward. That's why we eagerly throw ourselves into something new again, so we don't have to endure this emptiness.

Why can't we endure this state? Humans aren't made for this limbo; we need security. But that security isn't there at the moment, and we flee into supposed securities: We prefer to take the next best job without asking ourselves where our true calling lies. We immediately fill our retirement calendars with appointments and obligations. Or we put ourselves under pressure to be ready for someone new quickly after a breakup, or we desperately search for answers. These supposed securities seemingly protect us from this emptiness, but they are usually only temporary—we haven't used the space this time offers; we've merely replaced A with B.

This state doesn't have to feel empty, only to be quickly filled with content again. We can fill this state with things that move us forward, not back to the starting point. This neither-nor state is an ideal space for reflection and for resetting our course.

And this is where coaching comes in. By accepting the emptiness, the state of neither/nor, and seeing it as a space for transformation and change, not as a black hole. After your dismissal and the subsequent anxieties, coaching creates space to think outside the box, to open up new perspectives. Or, as in my case, coaching replaced the drama of "I want to know the real reason" with "I don't have to know everything." This shift took years, but by giving myself the space, it became a place of relief. But it's not only the big dramas, the loud events, that deserve space; the small, quiet ones deserve it too. The last child has moved out, and suddenly there's silence in the house. Where it was once full of life and noise, where drama reigned, it is now completely still and quiet.

Coaching helps you gain new perspectives during this period of limbo: whether it's a fresh look at who you are after retirement, new perspectives on the quiet at home, or new career or further education opportunities. Coaching also helps you by giving you a space to talk instead of brooding alone. And coaching sees you as a whole person, as the sum of everything that makes you who you are and your entire life, not just the area where things aren't currently going well. This holistic perspective opens paths you previously wouldn't have thought possible.

Whether you've just finished your last day at work or are still mentally replaying the termination meeting, whether you're standing in the silence of an empty child's room, searching for answers after a breakup, or have achieved a major goal and are wondering, "What now?": This in-between state isn't something you simply have to endure. It's the space you're allowed to use. For yourself, for your journey, which you don't have to walk alone. Coaching supports you on this path.

How does this moment feel? If you need space to explore your path, perhaps this is the right moment.

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